


Gatecrasher

by rusty_armour



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-17
Updated: 2009-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-03 05:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rusty_armour/pseuds/rusty_armour
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheppard is thrown into a panic when he overhears what McKay says to Keller while everyone is admiring the view of the Golden Gate Bridge from Atlantis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gatecrasher

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to fight it, but I knew I wouldn't be happy until I'd written something in response to McKay's final line in "Enemy at the Gate". Besides being idiotic and saccharine, it was totally out-of-character for McKay. Here's my take on what was *really* going on.
> 
> © 2009

  


 

Sheppard stood on the balcony feeling lost and disorientated. He'd just witnessed something he never thought he'd see and he was still struggling to wrap his head around it. With that and Atlantis' crash landing on Earth, Sheppard didn't know if he should laugh, cry, or lean over the balcony and lose his lunch. He still hadn't decided when he felt a hand on his arm and turned to see Teyla staring up at him with calm, but solicitous, eyes.

"What is it, John?" Teyla asked. "I would have thought you would be happy to see Earth again."

Sheppard managed to muster of smile. "Sure," he said. "It's great being back and...and having such a nice view of the Golden Gate Bridge."

Teyla frowned. "Something is wrong. What is the matter, John?"

Sheppard opened his mouth to deliver his usual brand of macho stoicism when he heard a high-pitched giggle and froze. McKay and Keller were still in the corridor leading to the balcony, their heads together and standing far too close for Sheppard's liking. Then Sheppard heard that eery cachinnation again and realized, to his horror, that it was coming from McKay. He grabbed Teyla by the shoulders and spun her around so she was facing the corridor.

"That," Sheppard hissed in Teyla's ear. "That's what's wrong."

"I do not understand," Teyla said. "Is the corridor structurally unsound?"

Sheppard groaned. "No, not the corridor, Teyla: Rodney and Keller! It's...it's not right."

Teyla tossed a disapproving look over her shoulder. "I know you find it difficult to deal with displays of public affection, but I see nothing inappropriate in either Rodney's or Jennifer's behaviour."

Sheppard grimaced. "Rodney giggled like a little girl -- twice -- and-and you didn't hear what he said to Keller when they were standing on the balcony!"

"Do you mean when Rodney told Jennifer that she was all he needed?" Teyla asked. She smiled. "I thought it was sweet."

"_Sweet_?" Sheppard shuddered. "Try _nauseating_."

Teyla smacked his arm. "It _was_ sweet," she said. "I wish Kanaan would speak to me that way. All he seems to care about is whether it is his turn to change Torren's diaper or whether I will look after the baby while he spends time on New Athos with his friends."

Sheppard squirmed uncomfortably. "Come on, Teyla. I'm sure that's not true. Kanaan just isn't a walking talking Hallmark card, that's all."

Teyla raised an eyebrow. "But you think Rodney is."

Sheppard snorted. "No, actually, I don't. And that's the problem." When Teyla's brow furrowed, he said, "Rodney's not supposed to be sweet. He's the antithesis of a Hallmark card."

Teyla shook her head. "That is not true. Rodney can be very sweet. Why, just the other day he complimented me on the blouse I was wearing."

"You mean the purple one with the, uh, purple?" Sheppard had been about to say "low neckline" before remembering that Teyla could kick his ass.

Teyla beamed at him. "Yes, the purple one. I had not realized that you had noticed it as well."

"Well, of course, I noticed," Sheppard said. "I think they're -- I mean,_ it's_ \-- very attractive, Teyla."

Teyla's eyes narrowed. "We are still discussing my blouse, are we not?"

Sheppard gulped. "Of course. What else could we possibly be discussing?" He gave Teyla a quick grin and began executing a wide circle around her.

"Where are you going?" Teyla demanded, her hands instantly shifting to her hips.

Sheppard shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, Teyla, but you're just not getting it. Maybe it's because you're a woman, but..." He trailed off when Teyla glared at him. "Uh, I guess that sounded kind of sexist."

"Yes, it kind of did." Teyla tilted her head to one side, studying Sheppard. "I hope you are not planning to speak to Rodney about his behaviour on the balcony," she said. "He and Jennifer seem very happy together, and I would be very upset if someone tried to sabotage their relationship." Her fingers curled as if she were clutching an invisible pair of Athosian fighting sticks.

Sheppard laughed nervously. "Now would I do that?" He glanced into the corridor and was relieved to see that McKay and Keller had moved on and he wouldn't be placed on the path of temptation.

"I do not know what you would do, John," Teyla said. "As you flew an F-302 into a hive ship with the intention of detonating a bomb from within, I believe your judgment may be flawed."

Sheppard sighed. "I was just trying to save the Earth again, Teyla. Despite what everyone seems to think, I'm not suicidal." Teyla still looked skeptical, and Sheppard ran a hand through his hair. "Look, all I was going to do was swing by the infirmary and visit Ronon. It's a long walk to and from this balcony when you've got stitches, so I want to make sure he made it back okay."

"And that is _all_ you are planning to do?" Teyla asked, still looking suspicious.

Sheppard nodded. "For now, yes."

Teyla fingers uncurled slowly. "I hope you do not plan to trouble Ronon with your concerns about Rodney's...behaviour."

"Teyla, he's in the infirmary," Sheppard said. "You know I wouldn't bother him about something like that."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
Ronon set his spoon down carefully in the soup bowl, his eyes never leaving Sheppard. "So you think there's something wrong with McKay because he's being sappy around his girlfriend?"

Sheppard raised a finger. "Not sappy. _Too_ sappy."

Banks smiled. "I think it's really sweet." She took Ronon's empty bowl and set it on the table beside the bed before perching on the mattress again. Sheppard grit his teeth.

"Well, you would say that," Sheppard hissed. "You're a...a...a gate technician!"

"Hey," Ronon growled, "you'd better watch your mouth, Sheppard."

Banks laid a hand on Ronon's shoulder. "No, honey, it's okay. I _am_ a gate technician," she said. Then she blushed when she realized exactly what she'd said.

Ronon grinned at her. "You called me 'honey'."

Banks blushed even more. "I'm sorry. It just sort of...popped out."

Ronon wrapped an arm around Banks's shoulders. "I like it."

"Yeah?" Banks asked.

"Uh huh," Ronon said.

Sheppard waved a desperate hand in front of Ronon's face. "I'm sorry, but could we please focus on Rodney for a second? I really think there's something wrong with him!"

Ronon tore his eyes away from Banks reluctantly. "I still don't see what the problem is."

"Yeah, a lot of guys go gooey around their girlfriends," Banks said, looking sideways at Ronon.

Sheppard glared at her. "The problem is that Rodney isn't acting like himself. _At all_. He told Keller that she was all he needed, which obviously isn't true."

Ronon scratched his head. "It isn't?"

"No!" Sheppard raised his hand and began ticking off points on his fingers. "Rodney needs Atlantis, a Nobel Prize, physics, coffee, his family, blue jello, cute fuzzy kittens, and cute fuzzy kittens that are still cute and fuzzy but not kittens. They're, uh, bigger and-"

"Cats?" Banks suggested.

Sheppard pointed at her excitedly. "Yes, cats! And-and computer golf!"

Ronon shook his head. "No, _you_ need computer golf. McKay only plays it because you nag him."

Sheppard shot a dirty look at Ronon. "And friends who will tell him when he's acting like an idiot."

Ronon shrugged, making no effort to look repentant. "I always tell McKay when he's acting like an idiot. I'm a really good friend that way."

Sheppard scowled. "Well, if you're such a good friend then why aren't you telling _me_ that I'm acting like an idiot? I mean, you think I'm wrong about Rodney, don't you?"

"No, I don't," Ronon said. At Sheppard's look of surprise, he added, "You might be acting like an idiot, but I don't think you're wrong. McKay _is_ acting strangely. Blue jello should have totally made it on that list of things he needs."

Sheppard drew in a shaky breath. "Do you think he's been infected with another parasite?"

"No," Ronon said. "Not the same kind he had before, anyway."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow curiously. "Why not?"

Ronon's lips twitched. "Because the last parasite made him stupid and he's not being stupid now."

Sheppard stared back at Ronon in confusion. "How can you say that given the way he's been acting?"

"Because the way he's been acting has led to sex," Ronon said. "Lots and lots of sex." He leered at Banks, who giggled and blushed again.

"Oh, for the love of..." Sheppard sighed and tapped a distracted Ronon on the shoulder. "Can I borrow your blaster?"

That got Ronon's attention. "Why? What do you need it for?" When Sheppard shuffled his feet and refused to meet his friend's eyes, Ronon said, "No, definitely not."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
After sneaking into Ronon's quarters at 2300 to borrow his blaster, Sheppard went down to the brig. He greeted the Marines on guard with a quick nod and then went in to see the prisoner. Todd rose to his feet and regarded Sheppard calmly through the bars of the forcefield.

"So, Sheppard, are you here to kill me?" Todd asked.

"No," Sheppard said. "I need your help."

Todd laughed. "And if I don't help you will you threaten to kill me a second time?"

Sheppard crossed his arms. "No, I really _will_ kill you."

Todd bowed his head in acknowledgment. "I see. And if I do help you?"

"Then we'll call the slate clean," Sheppard said.

Todd studied Sheppard thoughtfully. "Hmm. An interesting proposition. What is it that you require from me?"

Sheppard deactivated the forcefield. "Come with me."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
When they reached their destination, Sheppard turned to Todd. "Follow my lead and don't try anything stupid."

Todd smiled. "No, I shall leave the stupidity to you, Sheppard."

Sheppard pouted before remembering he was dealing with a Wraith. Shaking his head, he walked into McKay's lab. McKay was parked in front of his laptop, and Sheppard assumed that he was engrossed in his work until McKay said, "John, you've got to see this. I've been studying the scans of that hive ship you blew up and-" He froze then stumbled off his stool when he spotted Todd. "What's he doing here?"

Sheppard gave a nonchalant shrug. "I was bored, so I thought I'd take Todd for a walk."

McKay stared at him incredulously. "A walk? You thought you'd take a _Wraith_ for a walk?"

"Prisoners have to be allowed some exercise, Rodney," Sheppard said. "It's covered under the Geneva Convention or Amnesty International...or something."

McKay grabbed Sheppard's arm and attempted to pull him out of Todd's earshot. "Have you ever considered getting a dog?" he asked. "I know we're not supposed to have pets, but you just saved the planet so maybe the IOA would be willing to make an exception." When Sheppard tried to interrupt, McKay raised a hand to stop him. "Just hear me out, okay? I think maybe this is a cry for help or, at least, a cry for Rover." Rodney cast a quick glance at Todd and shivered. "Look, it was one thing when you were just naming Wraith, but you're entering a whole new level of insanity when you start taking them for walks too. I mean, what are you going to do next? Teach them how to roll over and play dead?"

"Sheppard said he would spare me if I helped him," Todd called from the other side of the lab.

McKay shot Sheppard a startled look. "Help you? Help you with what?" he demanded. Then his eyes widened as he finally noticed the weapon hanging at Sheppard's side. "Is that Ronon's blaster? What are you doing with Ronon's blaster? What's going on? What are you-?"

Sheppard fired the blaster, and McKay collapsed on the floor.

Todd strode across the room at once. "You shot him. Why would you shoot him? I thought he was your friend." Todd looked surprisingly shocked for a Wraith.

"It's okay," Sheppard said. "He's just stunned. Besides, I did it for his own good."

Todd probably would have raised his eyebrows if he possessed any. "Do you always stun your friends for their own good?"

"Only in the most dire circumstances," Sheppard said.

Todd glanced down at McKay wryly. "And this would qualify as dire?"

"Yes." Sheppard reached for Todd's wrists and unlocked the cuffs. "Don't even try to feed on Rodney while you're carrying him."

Todd's eyes narrowed. "You expect me to carry him?"

"Well, yeah," Sheppard said. "Why else you do you think I brought you here? He's kinda heavy and you're really strong."

Todd sniffed disdainfully and, bending over, swung McKay off the ground and over his shoulder. "And where do you wish me to take him?" Todd asked. "Are you planning to dump him off a pier?"

"Funny," Sheppard said, not realizing that Todd was being serious. "We're heading to the infirmary."

Todd frowned, looking puzzled. "The infirmary?"

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah, but we need to stop somewhere first."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
Sheppard had to ring the chime for almost two minutes before the door finally swished open and a pair of bleary blue eyes blinked at him irritably.

"What the bloody hell is going on, Colonel?" Beckett asked. "Are the Wraith invading Earth again? Is the city sinking into the Pacific?"

"No," Sheppard said. "I need you to do an MRI on Rodney."

"What?" Beckett peered around Sheppard and almost leapt backwards when he saw Todd. "What's he doing out of the brig? And what's that he's carrying?" Beckett's eyes widened. "Good God! Is that Rodney?"

Sheppard smiled sheepishly. "Ronon's out of commission and I figured I could use some help carrying Rodney."

Beckett brushed past Sheppard and walked up to Todd, standing on his tiptoes to get a better look at his patient. "What's wrong with him?" Beckett asked. "Why is he unconscious?"

"Sheppard stunned him with a Satedan blaster," Todd answered, ignoring the dirty look Sheppard shot in his direction.

Beckett whirled around. "You shot Rodney? _Again_?"

"Oh, so he _does_ make a habit of shooting his friends," Todd said.

Sheppard grit his teeth. "That's not true." When Todd and Beckett stared at him accusingly, he said, "Well, okay. I shot Rodney tonight, but, really, two times in five years isn't that bad when you think about it."

Beckett rubbed his face wearily. "Look, John, I know you and Rodney find some rather strange ways to amuse yourselves, but Ronon's blaster isn't a toy. You could really hurt someone with that."

Sheppard closed his eyes and sighed. "Just come to the infirmary and scan Rodney's brain, okay?"

Beckett crossed his arms. "Why? What's wrong with him -- besides the abuse his body has taken after being stunned by a blaster?"

Sheppard looked around cautiously then lowered his voice. "Rodney hasn't been acting like himself at all lately. It's like he's this totally different person..." Sheppard trailed off as a horrible thought occurred to him. "God, Carson, you don't think he's been replaced by a clone or a replicator, do you?"

Beckett placed a hand on Sheppard's shoulder. "Why do you think Rodney isn't acting like himself?" he asked. "Has he said or done something that seemed out of character to you?"

Sheppard swallowed past the lump in his throat when he thought about what he'd witnessed on the balcony. "Rodney told Keller that she was everything he needed."

Beckett laughed then saw the expression on Sheppard's face. "Oh. You're serious."

Todd grimaced. "That's revolting."

"No, it's not revolting," Beckett said. "It just doesn't sound like Rodney. If he'd told Keller she was everything he needed _after_ he'd won his Nobel Prize then I might believe it, but-"

"Exactly!" Sheppard was practically quivering in agitation. "Rodney isn't that nice to _anyone_ \-- not unless he's drunk, been affected by some kind of mind-altering drug, or has a parasite in his brain!"

Beckett's jaw dropped. "John, if you're right about this, we need to get Rodney to the infirmary right away!"

Sheppard nodded vigorously. "I know! That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

"Well, then, by all means, lead the way!" Beckett said.

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
It wasn't until they reached the infirmary that Sheppard remembered he was still carrying Ronon's blaster. Fortunately, Ronon was making out with Banks and didn't even notice that anyone else was in the room. Beckett opened his mouth to inform Banks that visiting hours were over, but Sheppard clamped a hand over his lips.

"Later, doc," Sheppard whispered. "We've got to take care of Rodney first."

Beckett nodded and they all headed over to the MRI machine. Of course, that was when they ran into Biro. Her face lit up when she saw Beckett, and Beckett pasted on a smile.

"Carson," Biro said. "I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight."

Beckett glanced at Sheppard and Todd. "No, I wasn't expecting to be here either."

"Oh?" Biro craned her neck and took in the sight of McKay slumped over Todd's shoulder. "Not dead, is he?"

"No, no," Beckett said. "He was accidentally hit by a stunner blast."

"Oh, really? Well, his evening has obviously been a lot more interesting than mine!" Biro laughed and punched Beckett in the arm. "Do you want a bed for him?"

"Uh..." Carson's eyes fell on Sheppard, who was shaking his head frantically. "Actually, I thought I'd perform an MRI while Rodney's here. It's so much easier when he's unconscious."

Biro studied Beckett for an instant, and Sheppard feared the game might be up. Then Biro leaned closer to Beckett and, lowering her voice, said, "As long as you're not planning to remove an exploding tumour. We just got you back, and I'd hate to see you blow up again."

Beckett's mouth fell open, but he didn't seem to know how to respond.

"Between you and me," Biro continued, "explosions are a pretty messy business. Have you ever tried performing an autopsy on someone who has been blown up? It's certainly not on my top ten list of things to do on a Sunday night, let me tell you."

Sheppard grabbed Beckett's arm as Beckett began to sway and shot an angry glare at Biro. "Shouldn't you be checking on patients or something?"

"Oh," Biro said. "I suppose so." She smiled and patted a trembling Beckett on the shoulder. "Have fun, boys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Once Biro had left them, Beckett turned to Sheppard with pleading eyes, his voice squeaking slightly when he spoke. "John..."

"It's okay, Carson," Sheppard said. "We can check for exploding tumours too, just in case."

Beckett released a shaky breath. "Aye."

"So can I put him down now?" Todd asked, sounding thoroughly pissed.

Beckett nodded and directed Todd over to the MRI machine. However, after running every conceivable scan he could think of, Beckett failed to discover any parasites, brain abnormalities, or exploding tumours.

"But there's got to be _something_ wrong with him," Sheppard said. "He's been acting completely out of character."

Beckett gazed at Sheppard sympathetically. "I'm sorry, John, but he's perfectly healthy -- by Rodney McKay standards, anyway."

Sheppard stared down at McKay helplessly. "But what about those things he said to Keller? You yourself told me that it didn't sound like something Rodney would say."

Beckett sighed. "People do funny things when they're in love, even people like Rodney." He reached out and squeezed Sheppard's arm. "I would suggest you take Rodney to his quarters before he comes to. He's not going to be in a very good mood when he wakes up."

Sheppard grimaced but nodded. "Okay, I'll do that. Thanks, Carson." He beckoned to Todd, who scowled petulantly before hauling McKay over his shoulder again.

Todd was almost sulking by the time they reached McKay's quarters, but Sheppard was so busy tending to McKay, that he barely noticed. Sheppard removed McKay's sneakers and tucked him into bed.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you, buddy," Sheppard said. Then he bent down and planted a quick kiss on Rodney's forehead.

Todd rolled his eyes and groaned. "Humans."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
Sheppard had hoped to avoid McKay for the rest of his life, but he was only about halfway through his bowl of Frooties when McKay showed up at his table. Managing not to choke on his cereal, Sheppard said, "Oh, uh, hi, Rodney."

McKay thumped his tray on the table and sat down. "You wouldn't believe the dream I had last night."

Sheppard dragged his spoon through his cereal and carefully avoided looking at McKay. "Oh, I might. Try me."

"Well," McKay said through a mouthful of toast. "I was working in my lab when you and Todd showed up."

Sheppard batted his eyelashes innocently. "Me and Todd, huh? That is pretty strange."

McKay gulped down some coffee. "Oh, it gets even more bizarre. In the dream, you whipped out Ronon's blaster and shot me with it!"

Sheppard became even more absorbed in his Frooties. "Wow. Imagine that."

"The funny thing is that I don't even remember leaving the lab and when I woke up I was still wearing all my clothes," McKay said.

Sheppard laughed weakly. "You must have really conked out last night."

"Yeah, I guess." McKay sighed. "I'm so going to be in the doghouse with Jennifer over this."

Sheppard's head shot up from his Frooties. "Oh?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong," McKay said, "but telling your girlfriend that you skipped out on her because you 'conked out' probably isn't going to go over too well, is it?"

Sheppard nodded sagely, trying to look supportive, which is why he was surprised when McKay started chuckling into his coffee.

"What?" Sheppard asked.

"Speaking of doghouses, I just remembered another part of my dream," McKay said. "You told me you were taking Todd for a walk, and I suggested it was time you got a dog." McKay laughed again, and Sheppard forced himself to smile good-naturedly. "Hey, are you going to San Francisco today? Maybe we could meet up for lunch or dinner."

Sheppard shook his head. "Yeah, good luck with that. In case you've forgotten, the bigwigs from the SGC are flying in for Woolsey's big briefing."

"Oh, Woolsey told me I didn't have to go," McKay said. He started digging into his eggs, not noticing that Sheppard was staring at him.

"How did you manage that?" Sheppard asked. "I was told attendance was mandatory."

McKay glanced up from his plate. "Oh, I ran into Woolsey on the way here. He said I was looking even more pasty and groggy than usual this morning and asked if I'd gone to see Jennifer. I explained about being in the doghouse and I guess having an ex-wife made Woolsey sympathetic to my plight because he told me I should spend the day in San Francisco and get some fresh air." McKay sat up a little straighter and was practically preening. "He said I'd earned it."

"There are plenty of balconies on Atlantis where you could get fresh air," Sheppard grumbled. "Of course, you know all about Atlantis' balconies, don't you, Romeo?"

McKay's brow furrowed. "What?"

"Nothing." Sheppard picked up his tray and rose from the table. "I've got to go shoot something."

"Oh, okay," McKay said. "Have fun."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
It lasted almost four hours, and Sheppard was in serious need of a workout by the time he busted out of the briefing room. As Ronon was still incapacitated, and Teyla had joined McKay in San Francisco, Sheppard had herded some of the new recruits into the gym for an impromptu sparring session.

"Now, what you've got to remember when you're out on a mission is that an attack could come at you from any direction," Sheppard said. He heard the door swish open, but ignored it, assuming it was a latecomer who'd just heard about the exercise. "You may think you're on a safe planet with non-combatants, but even the most friendly inhabitants can suddenly turn hostile. You should never let your guard down. You should always be vigilant and prepared for-"

A fist smashed into Sheppard's face, and Sheppard found himself staring up at the ceiling from the mats. Then a furious McKay was looming above him, and Sheppard wished he'd kept his eyes closed.

"Son of a bitch!" McKay shouted. "You shot me! Again!"

The Marines started clapping.

"Oh, that was great, sir!" Coleman said. "None of us saw that coming at all!"

"Did you and Dr. McKay choreograph all of that ahead of time?" Coppel asked.

Taylor smacked him on the back of the head. "Well, duh! Of course they did!"

Sheppard managed to raise his head off the mats. "Uh, could somebody give me a hand?"

"No, don't help him," McKay growled. "He doesn't deserve your help. In fact, your C.O. should get used to lying down because Ronon is going to totally kill Sheppard when he finds out that he stole his blaster."

"Wow," Coppel whispered to Taylor. "Colonel Sheppard wasn't kidding when he said that non-combatants can suddenly turn hostile."

Sheppard gazed up at McKay beseechingly. "Rodney, it's not what you think. I...I can explain."

McKay looked down at Sheppard coldly. "Oh, you don't have to," he said. "Teyla and I ran into Biro while she was on a _Vertigo_ tour. She asked me how I was feeling. I assumed she was just being her usual weird self, but then she told me that you, Carson, and Todd had brought me into the infirmary after I was 'accidentally stunned'."

"Oh my God!" Coleman exclaimed. "There's a _Vertigo_ tour?"

McKay snorted. "It's San Francisco. I would think there's at least a few of them."

"Did Dr. Biro mention what her tour was covering?" Taylor asked. "Where did you run into her? San Juan Bautista?"

"No, Lombard Street," McKay said.

Taylor crossed his arms. "But her tour probably covers San Juan Bautista, right?"

McKay huffed impatiently. "Well, yes, I should think so. That's where all the tower scenes took place."

Coppel's eyes grew as wide as two plates of Rice-A-Roni. "Oh, sir," he said to Sheppard. "Can we go?"

"Oh, sure," Sheppard said. "What the hell? According to Dr. McKay, I'm a dead man, anyway." When some of the Marines hesitated, Sheppard waved them off with a hand. "Go on. Get out of here before I change my mind."

Not needing to be told a third time, the Marines left the gym en masse. Sheppard waited until he was sure they were gone before he staggered back to his feet. He watched McKay closely in case he decided to come at him again, but McKay remained where he was, hands on his hips and eyes glinting in fury.

"Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't report you?" McKay asked.

"Uh, yes," Sheppard said. "Yes, I can."

"Well?" McKay prompted when nothing else came out of Sheppard's mouth.

"Oh, you actually want to hear the reason." Sheppard cleared his throat and tried to focus on something that wasn't Rodney's face. "Okay. Here goes. The reason I stunned you is because I thought there might be something wrong with you and I wanted Carson to do an MRI."

"Oh, so instead of telling me like, oh, a normal person, you decided to stun me and drag me off to the infirmary in secret," McKay said.

Sheppard bit his lip. "Gee, Rodney, when you put it like that it sounds really bad."

"That's because it _is_ really bad!" McKay took a step towards Sheppard, rolling his eyes when Sheppard flinched. "Oh, for the love of...Why did you think there was something wrong with me? Have I been displaying any unusual symptoms? What?" He seized Sheppard's shirt in both hands. "You know something, don't you? There's something you're not telling me! Oh, God, am I dying?"

Sheppard grasped McKay by the shoulders and shook him. "Breathe, Rodney. _Breathe_. I think you might be hyperventilating."

"I...I think I need to sit down," McKay said.

"Okay. We can do that." Sheppard bent his knees and gently guided McKay down to the mats. When McKay's breathing seemed to be under control again, Sheppard asked. "Are you feeling better now?"

McKay nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

Sheppard started rubbing his back. "Good. Just focus on breathing, okay?"

"Okay." McKay was staring at Sheppard as if he were some problem he was trying to solve. "John, why did you stun me with Ronon's blaster?"

"Well, it wasn't because you were dying." Sheppard ran a hand over his face. "You haven't been acting like yourself, Rodney. Yesterday, on the balcony, you told Keller that she was all you needed, which doesn't sound like you at all."

McKay blushed. "You heard that?"

"Yeah," Sheppard said. "Sorry. I couldn't help it. I, uh, wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything."

"No, no, of course not." McKay absently fiddled with his shoelace for a moment, though his eyes were still fixed on Sheppard. "So let me get this straight. You thought I might be brain-damaged because I said something nice to my girlfriend?"

Sheppard made a face. "It was more than 'nice,' Rodney: it was saccharine."

"Damn," McKay said. "I thought it might have been too much. Maybe that's why I felt Jennifer tense up when I put my arm around her shoulders." He sighed heavily. "I guess I'll have to try to tone it down a bit next time. Find a better balance."

Sheppard snorted. "You sound like you're following a manual. Do you come up with game plans for all of your romantic moments together?"

"Pretty much, yes." When Sheppard raised an eyebrow, McKay said, "Jennifer lent me one of those self-help books. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on life."

Sheppard's jaw dropped. "Are you _serious_? Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" McKay scowled and tried to rise from the mats, but Sheppard grabbed his wrist. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I'm just trying to understand why you would do that to yourself."

McKay pulled his wrist free. "I'm doing it because it makes Jennifer happy. She doesn't like it when I'm negative."

"And what about what makes _you_ happy?" Sheppard asked. "Do you enjoy sounding like a trashy romance novel?"

McKay raised his chin defiantly. "Teyla says that all relationships involve some sacrifice."

"I think you'll find that Teyla wasn't talking about altering your personality!" Sheppard said.

McKay threw up his hands in frustration. "Well, I don't see what else I'm supposed to do! This personality of mine -- the one you think so highly of -- it's not exactly helping me with my love life!"

"Then maybe you're trying to attract the wrong kind of people," Sheppard said. "If you were my boyfriend, I wouldn't try to change a single thing about you because I love you just the way you are."

Sheppard went pale as soon as he realized what he'd said. Where the _hell_ had that come from? He held his breath, waiting to see what McKay's reaction would be. What he wasn't expecting was for McKay's fist to go flying into his face again.

"Oww!" Sheppard cried. "Why do you keep hitting me?"

"You bastard!" McKay yelled. "You wait until I've got a good thing going and _then_ you declare your feelings for me?" He jumped to his feet, but instead of leaving the gym he started to pace. "Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to get your attention? I've been waiting years for you to notice me!"

Sheppard gaped at him. "_What_?"

McKay stopped mid-pace. "What do you think my relationship with Katie Brown was all about?"

"But-but you loved her!" Sheppard said.

McKay laughed. "Oh, please! We never even slept together!"

Ignoring the dizziness in his head, Sheppard climbed unsteadily to his feet. "You were going to propose to her! You showed me the ring and everything!"

McKay crossed his arms. "And did you ever ask yourself why I told you I was going to propose to Katie, why I felt the need to show you the ring?"

Sheppard shrugged. "I don't know. Moral support?"

"No, dumb-dumb," McKay said. "It was supposed to be your wake-up call." He shook his head and started pacing again. "You were supposed to realize how you felt about me and try to stop the marriage, but you didn't wake up. You just rolled over and went back to sleep."

"I...I don't know what to say." Sheppard looked at the wall, wishing it wasn't so far away as he felt pretty sure he could use its support. "What about Keller? Have you been using her to get my attention?"

"No, she was supposed to be the real deal," McKay said. "I gave up on you after Katie. I was trying to move on." He swept past Sheppard again, and this time Sheppard latched on to his arm.

"And now?" Sheppard asked. "How do you feel now?"

McKay gazed down at the hand on his arm, but didn't try to pull away. "Right now I feel confused, hungry, and really, really pissed."

"I meant about Jennifer," Sheppard said. "How do you feel about her?"

"I...I don't know," Rodney admitted.

"Hmm. I can work with that." Sheppard yanked on McKay's arm, ignoring McKay's startled gasp as they collided. Then Sheppard was cupping McKay's head and kissing him as if Atlantis was about to be destroyed and they wouldn't live to see another day in the Milky Way or Pegasus Galaxy. They might have gone on kissing if McKay hadn't placed his hands on Sheppard's chest and shoved him.

"Oh, thanks a lot!" McKay snapped. "Now I've got to go break up with my girlfriend!"

Sheppard made no attempt to hide his grin. "Uh...sorry?" McKay snatched Sheppard by the collar and started to drag him out of the gym. "Umm...where are we going?"

McKay glared at Sheppard. "I told you. I have to go break up with my girlfriend."

Sheppard's eyes widened. "What? You mean _now_? But-but why do you need me there?"

"You got me into this mess," McKay said. "I don't see why you shouldn't be there to clean it up."

  


  
(O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) (O) 

  
Sheppard ducked as a box of tongue depressors nearly clipped his left ear.

"I hate you!" Keller screamed. "I hope you contract an incurable disease and die a long lingering death!"

"Oh, Pookie, don't be like that," McKay said. "Can't we still be friends? According to that book you lent me-"

"Oh, fuck the god-damn book, Rodney!" Keller picked up a bedpan, and McKay shrieked and then scurried behind Sheppard. As Keller began to approach them, still brandishing the bedpan in her hand, Sheppard grasped Rodney by the sleeve and made a hasty retreat.

"I hope your children have an IQ of less than 100!" Keller shouted after them. "And-and...I hope all your hair falls out!"

Sheppard stumbled and almost tripped. He whirled around in the corridor outside the infirmary and stared at Keller in horror.

"Oh, now that's just cruel!" McKay called back to Keller, but the infirmary door was already closing. He patted Sheppard gently on the head. "See. It's all thick and luxuriant. It won't fall out."

Sheppard gave McKay a tremulous smile, and they started moving down the corridor again. "I'm sorry about that crack she made about our children's IQ."

McKay dismissed Keller's insult with a wave of his hand. "Oh, please. Like that could ever happen. I'm a genius and you could have joined Mensa. Our kids should have IQs of at least 130 or 140 -- no problem."

Sheppard's lips twitched. "Uh, Rodney, you do realize that we can't have babies, right?"

"Well, maybe not today, but who knows what could be possible in the future," McKay said.

This time, Sheppard did trip, but McKay caught him before he could hit the ground. "Whoa. Easy, champ. I'm going to need you in one piece when we reach my quarters."

Sheppard's brow furrowed. "Your quarters?"

McKay shrugged. "Or yours if you'd prefer it."

"Uh, why?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, for sex, obviously," McKay said. "You made me break up with my girlfriend, so I expect you to put out."

Sheppard tried not to panic. "But-but we haven't even been on a first date yet!"

McKay smiled. "_Au contraire_. We've been on several dates. What do you think those games of computer golf were all about?"

  



End file.
